An Cosantóir

17 was dead. I knew I was dead. We went to Task Force Alpha to get those guys out and there were probably a couple thousand of North Vietnamese. They had this fire base surrounded and we had to try to get the Slicks there with gun protection. I came around to the left beak into strafing pattern and then this huge explosion appeared on the right side of the ship. It kicked the helicopter to the side, and I thought that I almost lost it but I was able to recover it and we were turned by 180 degrees with barely any airspeed and flying such a heavy gunship, you know you want to get out of this position very quick. So, I turned the helicopter back into the attack run and I wanted to fire off a rocket, which have their firing order. The right rocket was the first one to be fired but it was damaged, mangled in the tube so it wouldn't fire. We hit the miniguns, because the damn jungle was lit up with muzzle flashes and it looked like a photographic convention. You felt like you were popular! And then an explosion hit the left side and kicked us up again! Then we realised that the rocket pods were on fire because the rocket engines stuck in the tubes were burning. Of course, you have these high explosive warheads right in front of them and right in the middle, that's your fuel cell with hundreds of pounds of JP4 (aviation grade fuel) so we were in a position where you don't want to be. And if that wouldn't be enough a round entered the cockpit and hit my co-pilot seat rear end and exited through the door leaving huge hole in them. Now, we have smoke grenades in the bulkhead in the back and you had a pin and handle to remove for them to go off. A round came in and de-pinned one of the grenades and activated it. It spun around and went into the Crew Chiefs ammo box, and those things get hot! That started cooking rounds off while we went IFR (Instrument Flight Rules) in the cockpit (because of the smoke from the grenade). All this is happening very close together. So, I kicked all the left pedal to get my head out of the window so I can see through the smoke. As I am still airborne, in disbelief, the things are happening so fast, that your training just kicks in. You're not really scared because you're really busy. That comes later, when you're on the ground. As I cleared the smoke on from the cockpit, I looked to my Crew Chief in the back and he grabs this ammo box, and they weight quite a bit, he picked it up with his two fingers and just tossed the damn thing outside. Moments later the both crewmen in the back were on the helicopter skids, kicking the missile pods off. We were doing at least 100 knots and these guys are outside, attached to the helicopter by a bungee cord around their waists, kicking these pods off. They finally got them off! I tried to use my electric and mechanic ejection systems but the whole aircraft was shot to bits, and they wouldn't work. They saved out lives because we had two options. We could slow down and let the flames lick the warheads and fuel cells or we can kick them off. When I regained full control over the ship, I noticed a ridge and trees in front of me and I skipped over the treetops with the helicopter, that's how close we got. It was just amazing that I was able to save that aircraft, man we became so close! You had to stay so focused, so hyper focused to survive that. LG: How that affected you on an emotional level? Flying overloaded gunships right into the middle of the battle? Most importantly, how did you manage your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. MG: War really is hell. There are periods that no man should go through. But you do and then must live with residual effects of that for the rest of your life. That's what I say about Vietnam. That was the most impactful experience of my entire life and I'm 74 years old. I got there when I was 21 and I was basically just a kid. I'll explain this in the same way I did to my wife. Let's say you're a civilian and you are going out to get your mail one day. Out of nowhere, three guys in the next yard pop up with AK-47 and start shooting at you. You have to dive into the ditch, have to cover yourself and finally crawl back to the house. That was just a few seconds of your life and think of the impact that would have on you. Once incident, few seconds, one day. Now take that time and multiply that two thousand times, happening every day for a year. That's why the Vietnam Veterans lives are so messed up. I've been to the Wall several times, (Vietnam Veteran Memorial in Washington DC) and it was a very heavy experience for me. First time I went there I just walked there quick just to get the hell out of there but then I went for the second time when I was older and more mature, and these heavy emotions come over you. You see all these names and you can still hear their laughter; you see their faces, you remember who they were…they were human beings and… the PTSD when you're over there, was never yet described. In World War I it was "shellshock". In World War II it was "battle fatigue" and not it is a PTSD that has been catalogues in the psychiatric manuals. When you get to cope with it when you come back, you don't know what the hell are you trying to cope with. You know something is wrong. You get bursts of anger. I tried to drink it away for 20 years – it didn't work. Anything you could do to numb it – you would do it. I had this recuring dream when I came back. It was a lucid, brutal dream but I didn't know that I was dreaming it. I got married when I was 26 and it was still happening. But in the dream, I would be flying over the jungle, and I would have my control rod shot out. I would lose control and I would go into spin and right before I hit, I would bolt out of bet, all sweaty, heart racing and it was terrifying nightmare, which happened a lot. I figured out that if I drink enough beer and got drunk, that wouldn't happen. It was a coping mechanism, a good one, yet today that would pop up less occasionally but it's less severe. I don't know what my brain was doing but that was a cumulative effect of what happened, but when I recognised what it was, the at least know what you're fighting and what your expectations are. There are plenty of names on the Wall that are not there, and they should be. So many Vietnam Veterans committed suicide because of the war when they got back. Talking about helicopters. During the World War II, during around 3 years of actual combat, the US lost I think 470,000 guys. In Vietnam we lost about 58,000 in 13 years. But here's what people don't consider. I never read this anywhere, it's just the thought I have. Most of the 60,000 deaths occurred in two or three period: 68 to 71. That makes it lot more violent. And another thing that makes it more significant to me. In WWII you didn't had a helicopter to get the battle casualties off the field and get them to a MASH unit in time, that golden hour (Mobile Army Medical Surgical). If they would have it during WWII, the death toll would me much lower. A lot of guys died from an injury on the battlefield. In Vietnam we got lots of people to MASH unit in under an hour, where they could be saved. That number of 60,000 would be much higher if we couldn't get the soldiers out and the hopper wasn't there. It just shows you how important the hopper is. I am proud for what I did. I don't think the war was right but I didn't run. And I would never done that. The way I look at Vietnam is that we were responsible for getting a lot of guys home alive. Whether we should have been there or not is a different story. GUTS 'N GUNSHIPS Marks team in front of their helicopter. Squadrons mascot.

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